Company Disclaimer
This website and associated location, "Quinton's Burgers & Fries",
is completely fictitious and has no real world association with any real business or corporation. All information listed
on the associated website, such as: names, phone numbers, addresses, emails, and all other forms of seemingly authentic information are all fictitious,
and all content depicted is purely for satirical and educational purposes only.
By clicking "Agree", you acknowledge the terms above and understand that nothing on this site is to be taken seriously or literally.
Any failure to agree to these terms will result in denied access to this site.
Quinton's Burgers & Fries
"Terrible food quality at horrendous prices"
Come visit us today! We know you'll hate it here.
Find A LocationWelcome to Quinton's.
We're not glad you're here, we just want your money.
Who We Are
We're a booming start-up fast food chain based in southern California, with new locations popping up all over the nation! Here at Quinton's Burgers & Fries, customer satisfaction is our absolute last priority. We take pride in the fact that we don't go a single day without receiving customer complaints or lawsuits about our business. Consistency is key after all, and here at Quinton's, visiting us is always a horrendous, life-altering experience, every single time.
Click here to learn more.
Eat At Quinton's
Hungry? Chow down on ultra-processed cuisine!
Our foods are freshly frozen and always made with the lowest quality ingredients, so you'll always feel like crap afterwards, no matter what you order.
So what are you waiting for? Try Quinton's food today! What's the worst that could go wrong?
View MenuQuinton's Meal Deals
Love spending more money? Try our meal deals!
Not only do you get even less food for a higher price, but we also send out yearly Quinton's coupons, all for the extremely tiny fee of $500.
So give our meal deals a shot! We can't guarentee that it's definitely not a scam!
View DealsWork At Quinton's
Need a job? We're hiring unskilled slave labor!
If you're currently looking for a horrible job position that pays worse than ditch digging, then look no further than Quinton's! Apply today, and gain an abhorrent, life-altering employment experience that will make slave labor feel like an entry-level position.
We officially and legally promise that you'll never want to work in fast food again!
Apply NowHow We Operate
We treat operations here at Quinton's like a total joke. Not only are we always understaffed and undersupplied, we also operate in a timely manner (and not the fast type). We're proud to say that we are the slowest operating fast food chain in the entire country, which is completely ironic for the type of market we're in! We hope you enjoy waiting around for hours just for a simple hamburger, because our employees work at the slowest pace possible. After visiting our establishment, government-run insurance offices will give you literal whiplash.
Click here to learn more.
Contact Quinton's
All of our staff are paper-shredder certified.
Customer Complaints
Unhappy with your Quinton's experience? Get in line!
Unsatisfied with your experience at Quinton's? Dealing with food poisoning or other chronic/severe health conditions after eating way too much ultra-processed food? Just hate our establishment with a burning passion and want to commit arson on our property?
File a customer complaint with Quinton's today! It's not going to accomplish literally anything, as we're not even going to bother reading it, but at least it'll make you feel slightly better!
Click here to file a complaint.
Health & Nutrition
Our food is always the lowest quality possible.
Nutrition Facts
What's in our food? Find out!
We know you take health seriously. That's why we've incorrectly listed 90 percent of all ingredients for every food item on our menu, so you'll never really know what you're actually eating. Plus, since we know you don't have the time to read through each item and definitely don't have the required knowledge to understand what's healthy and what's literal poison, we've taken the liberty of only providing the most significant ingredients and obscuring everything else behind a paywall.
We know you'll hate us after finding out what's really in your food, so that's why we're charging you for it!
Learn MoreLegal Nonsense
We've placed all our legal stuff at the bottom of the page so you won't read it.
Company Disclaimer
Don't read or else you might die from shock. No, we're not kidding.
Quinton's Co. is not responsible for any chronic conditions or bodily injuries that may result from consumption of sold food items, because we aren't responsible for any stupidity or blatant incompetence committed by our mentally insane customers. Quinton's Co. is not required to provide any form of medical treatment, assistance, or aid upon any form of medical event or outburst; including but not limited to: stroke, heart attack, diabetes, hypertension, explosive diarrhea, heart disease, paralysis, asphyxiation, chronic implosion, hyperthermia, or death. Quinton's Co. is required to always provide the worst customer experience possible, no matter the circumstances. All employees and staff are required to be as hateful, useless, and inexperienced as possible in order to ensure customers almost never come back. Quinton's Co. is not responsible for ...
View the full company disclaimer here.
Corporate Health Policy
Don't want food poisoning? Start reading!
At Quinton's, we never follow any health codes except our own (don't tell the FDA). You can rest unassured knowing that our food items are always prepared in the most unsanitary conditions possible, and are never inspected prior to being served. Our employees never wash their hands, preparation areas, or cooking utensils; so if you piss one of them off, we're not liable for anything they might consider doing to your order.
View our Corporate Health Policy here.