Price: $27.49 each

Description: An ordinary, single patty hamburger. What's not to love? Well, if you ignore the fact that it doesn't even have beef in it. Or ham. Or anything that could be considered actual 'meat'. We don't know if anyone at our laboratory kitchen even knows what's in this burger. At least it tastes good, though. Which is the entire point of all those extremely questionable ingredients. Mostly. Just don't bother trying to actually read the ingredients list, because then you might start hyperventilating from shock. And we don't take pleasure in calling necessary ambulances for unappreciated customers.

Ingredients: Meat-Product: Pork, Chicken, Duck, Phosphoric Acid, Asbestos, Sodium Hypochlorite, Salt; Bread-Product: Enriched Bleached Wheat Flour, Yeast, Seseame Seed, High Fructose Corn Syrup, Heroin, Dextrose, Ascorbic Acid; Orange Cheese-Product: Spoiled Milk, Cream, Vaseline, Sodium Citrate, Salt, Fluoride, Soy Lecithin, Unnatural Flavoring, Propionic Acid; Lettuce, Pickle, Tomato, +99 More.

Price: $56.49 each

Description: Identical to the single hamburger, except you get a smaller amount of food for a higher cost than if you ordered two single hamburgers. Why? Don't bother asking any of our staff or board executives, because they don't know either. On the bright side, at least you'll get more beef per bite out of this burger, although your wallet may start reporting cases of domestic abuse to your local police station. Which sounds like a personal problem, if you ask us.

Ingredients: Meat-Product: Pork, Chicken, Goose, Phosphoric Acid, Asbestos, Sodium Hypochlorite, Salt; Bread-Product: Enriched Bleached Wheat Flour, Yeast, Seseame Seed, High Fructose Corn Syrup, Heroin, Dextrose, Ascorbic Acid; Orange Cheese-Product: Spoiled Milk, Cream, Vaseline, Sodium Citrate, Salt, Fluoride, Soy Lecithin, Unnatural Flavoring, Propionic Acid; Lettuce, Tomato, +99 More.

Price: $94.49 each

Description: Our award-stealing signature product, for all the wrong reasons. Not only is it outrageously expensive for absolutely no reason, but it also tastes absolutely awful according to both our critics and customers. It's also full of hundreds of extremely hard-to-read ingredients, which is always a good sign for telling how 'healthy' a food item is. Although that really shouldn't be of any concern. As long as you don't look at the extremely long ingredients list, you should be fine. For a few hours. Until the ultra-processed substances and chemical compounds hit your digestive system. Then you better start running to the bathroom, or else you're going to experience an extremely common episode of explosive diarreha, courtesy of our establishment.

Ingredients: Meat-Product: Chicken, Rat, Duck, Squirrel, Phosphoric Acid, Asbestos, Sodium Hypochlorite, Salt; Bacon, Bread-Product: Enriched Bleached Wheat Flour, Yeast, Seseame Seed, High Fructose Corn Syrup, Heroin, Dextrose, Ascorbic Acid; Orange Cheese-Product: Spoiled Milk, Cream, Vaseline, Sodium Citrate, Salt, Fluoride, Soy Lecithin, Unnatural Flavoring, Propionic Acid; Lettuce, Pickle, Tomato, Red Onion, +999 More.

Price: $237.99 each

Description: The ultimate burger combo you never knew you wanted and one you definitely shouldn't eat, unless you view diabetes as a healthy physical trait (we won't judge). With over 1000 different 'ingredients', and coming in at a whopping 64 inches tall, this burger is completely unparalleled to anything you've ever seen or eaten at any other burger restaurant in America (until we make an even bigger version). We also can't guarantee you'll make it out alive after consuming 23 thousand calories of ultra-processed burger. You've been officially and legally warned. You should also probably say goodbye to all of your friends and family before sitting down to eat this behemoth we somehow can still call a 'burger'.

Ingredients: Meat-Product: Pork, Chicken, Rat, Duck, Goose, Beaver, Kangaroo, Phosphoric Acid, Asbestos, Sodium Hypochlorite, Salt; Bacon, Bread-Product: Enriched Bleached Wheat Flour, Yeast, Seseame Seed, High Fructose Corn Syrup, Heroin, Dextrose, Ascorbic Acid; Orange Cheese-Product: Spoiled Milk, Cream, Vaseline, Sodium Citrate, Salt, Fluoride, Soy Lecithin, Unnatural Flavoring, Propionic Acid; White Cheese-Product: Spoiled Milk, Cream, Acetone, Ethylene Glycol, Sodium Citrate, Domoic Acid, Soy Lecithin, Lead, Unnatural Flavoring; Lettuce, Pickle, Cucumber, Sweet Onion, Red Onion, Mayonaise-Product: Rotten Egg, Paint Primer, Bleach, Vinnegar, Cocaine; Tomato, +9999 More.