Price: $64.99 for small, $29.99 for large

Description: An extremely short and ultra-processed lemon-flavored shortcake, with a considerable hint of shortness inevitably paired with a sweet taste, shortly followed by a chaotic and sometimes deadly aftertaste after consumption that may or may not cause irreputable harm at usually low-stakes on average. For us, not you. As far as we're concerned this puny little desert is a literal death sentence. It just doesn't come with heightened after-effects because that wouldn't be accurate; you either live or you don't. The only benefit being the convenience of consuming them extremely easily, again, because of the shortness. Comes in two sizes, the short one being inferior in every single way possible.

Ingredients: Bread-Product: Bleached Dandelion Flour, Molded Yeast, Dextrose, Maple Sap, High Fructose Corn Syrup; Spoiled Whipping Cream, Calcium Chloride, Milk-Product: Rotten Goat Milk, Spoiled Goose Milk, Bleached Rat Milk, Hydrochloric Acid, Potassium Chloride; Chloroxiaum, Magnesium Chloride, Aged Bleach, Shortening, Lemon-Product: Orange Flavoring, Annatto, Ethylene Glycol, Achloric Acid; Pyridoxine Hydrochloride, Goose Fat, Unnatural Flavoring, +999 More.

Price: $324.99 for small, $162.99 for large

Description: The same as the lemon shortcake, except we threw some chocolate sauce on it, jacked up the prices by a factor of five, and rebranded it as an entirely new item that our idiotic customers, yes you, will somehow still purchase. Corporate greed, our favorite character trait. Try it some time, it's like the fountain that keeps on giving. Except it's constantly splurting out grease and flooding the entire park because the mechanic turned up the pressure to 6,900 PSI because he was blackmailed by the corporate board to meet their insane finanical quotas or get cancelled on social media for being too toxic, both literally and figuratively. Still comes in two sizes, and the smaller size is still inferior in every way possible, except it now cost twice as much and taste considerably worse for some reason.

Ingredients: Bread-Product: Bleached Dandelion Flour, Beeswax, Molded Yeast, Dextrose, Maple Sap, High Fructose Corn Syrup; Spoiled Whipping Cream, Calcium Chloride, Milk-Product: Rotten Goat Milk, Aged Goose Urine, Bleached Rat Milk, Rotten Cow Milk, Hydrochloric Acid, Potassium Chloride; Chocolate-Product: Unground Coffee Beans, Sodium Citrate, Synthetic Caffeine, Molecularly Unstable Nuclear Waste; Asbestos, Aluminum Chloride, Petroleum, Shortening, Lemon-Product: Orange Flavoring, Annatto, Ethylene Glycol, Achloric Acid; Pyridoxine Hydrochloride, Duck Fat, Butane, Unnatural Flavoring, +999 More.

Price: $546.99 each

Description: A single slice of the most delectable piece of pie you'll ever taste. Just don't mind the large brown chunks, those are entirely normal, perfectly edible, and entirely necessary or else it wouldn't taste anywhere near as good. May or may not be partially or fully sentient, depending on the teenage intern who whipped it up and the farm the ingredients were sourced from. If your slice of pie for some unknown reason decides to speak to you, please ignore its comments completely and hurry up and eat it before it starts trying to slander you and put you on trial for selling mayonnaise and USB sticks to some dense teenagers in Maine. Because that happened. Seriously, on multiple occasions. Really cut into our quartely revenue having to pay off those darn legal fees. It's a real liability; which if you have any sense in your puny little brain should be very, very concerning, considering we have more lawyers on our legal team than you have funds in the bank and even we're terrified of this perfectly uninnocent slander machine of a dessert we somehow still sell at our establishment.

Ingredients: Bread-Product: Uranium Enriched Corn Flour, Yeast, Soy Lecithin, Domoic Acid, Cocaine; Horse Urine, Lead, Ammonium Acetate, Cured Donkey Feces, Phosphoric Acid, Milk-Product: Cow Milk, Spoiled Donkey Milk, Bleached Chicken Milk, Mercury; Spoiled Donkey Eggs, Battery Acid, Calcium Sulfate, Dried Hay, Nicotine, +99 More.