Condiments

Our entire selection of random, outrageously expensive, and downright dangerous condiments that definitely don't belong on the menu of a fast food restaurant.

Warning: Quinton's Co. is not responsible for any chronic conditions or bodily injuries that may result from consumption of sold food items. Order and consume at high risk with no caution and/or discretion, because we wouldn't make any money if you didn't. For a full list of health concerns, please consult our Corporate Health Policy for more details.

Ketchup Bottle

Ketchup Bottle

282 Cal.

Price: $43.99 per bottle

Description: A single 16 ounce bottle of questionably tasting ketchup. No, we don't have any other sizes available and yes we're charging you for it. Tomatoes, believe it or not, are not free. The amount of money that is wasted on providing idiot customers packets of ketchup on an annual basis is staggering. It's literally stealing, and nobody does anything about it. Even worse, you morons don't even use a third of it and end up throwing the rest in the trash. Absolutely absurd behavior. Which is exactly why we charge a fair price for ketchup here at Quinton's, plus a little extra to make up for all the literal theft over the years. If you want it bad enough, you'll pay for it anyway. Just don't even think about stealing ketchup packets from another fast food resturant or bringing some from home, or else we're going throw you out the front window. You've been warned.

Ingredients: Ketchup-Product: Tomato, Water, Tomato Puree, Cold Medicine, Ethylene Glycol, Corn Syrup, Vinnegar, Radon, +99 More.

Special Sauce

Special Sauce

3867 Cal.

Price: $0.05 per serving

Description: A special sauce for ruining your perfectly lethal Quinton's food that definitely won't cause any sort of severe health complications immedietaly after consumption. This mixture of secret ingredients is so secret that even we wouldn't reccomend you order any. Unless you actually have a death wish because the chances of you surviving this one-sauce-challenge is lower than our entire profit margin.

Ingredients: Ingredients are unavailable. Not even we know what's in this 'special' concoction.

Whipped Cream

Whipped Cream

395 Cal.

Price: $9.49 per cup

Description: It's exactly what it sounds like. 16 ounces of whipped cream, made with milk product that is always several years past its expiration date. Comes in a heated stryofoam container when served, because everyone knows heating stryofoam in a microwave releases perfectly non-toxic chemicals that are always safe for ingestion.

Ingredients: Milk-Product: Rotten Cow Milk, Spoiled Goat Milk, Bleached Rat Milk, Arsenic, White Paint; Water, Cream, Methamphetamine, Mercury, Amaryllis, Sodium Hypochlorite, +99 More.