Price: $3.99 per glass

Description: What's better than hot chocolate? Definitely not this, but hey, at least it's actually somewhat affordable! This product is identical to the hot chocolate you would get down the road, the only difference is that we can't be bothered to heat up the chocolate; that would be too much work for our employees (pressing buttons is a lot of work). So we just serve it cold, right out of the packet we bought from our local Walmart. Comes with an sixteenth cup of whipped cream and a 0.375 inch straw.

Ingredients: Milk-Product: Rotten Cow Milk, Spoiled Goat Milk, Bleached Rat Milk, Arsenic, White Paint; Water, Brown Dirt-Based Cocoa Seeds, Calcium Propionate, Asbestos, Propionic Acid, Bromine, High Fructose Corn Syrup, +99 More.

Price: $28.49 per bottle

Description: A totally normal bottle of milk. It's just milk. We promise. A very, very outrageously expensive bottle of milk, but it's still real milk, we assure you. With some slight improvements. To the milk. Which is definietly just milk. From a cow. That we farmed. For its milk. What else were you expecting? We promise, it's real milk. Mostly. We don't have all day, take it or leave it. The milk, we mean. Not the cow. Mooooo. Is this thing still on?

Ingredients: Milk-Product: Rotten Cow Milk, Spoiled Goat Milk, Bleached Rat Milk, Arsenic, White Paint; Water, Soy Lecithin, Salt, Acetone, +9 More.

Price: $420.69 per glass

Description: A perfectly legal, and totally non-toxic cocktail beverage that definitely wasn't made in a makeshift laboratory kitchen somewhere in midwestern New Mexico. No ID is required to purchase, as there isn't anything illegal in this beautiful, terrible-tasting beverage, remember? Just don't look at the ingredients list or else we're going to have to call the police on ourselves. You know, for a health and saftey inspection. Because we totally do those here. Just stop asking questions and make up your darn mind. Or else we're going to have to rate limit your connection. We don't have infinite money, believe it or not.

Ingredients: Cannabis, Marijuana, Dandelions, Untreated Sewage Water, Lead, Nicotine, +9 More.

Price: $17.49 per glass

Description: It may look like a bottle of piss because that's exactly what it is. No, we're not joking. A perfectly chilled bottle of piss, ready for you to chug down in one gulp and then immediately proceed to unchug because drinking a bottle of piss you ordered from a questionably ethical fast food restaurant really isn't the smartest idea in the world. On the bright side, drinking urine can have numerous health benefits, or so we're told. Only one way to find out. You just better be good at taking risks because this one's all on you, sport.

Ingredients: Piss-Product: Urea, Water, Uranium-235, Salt, +9 More.